When you do that, you are also guilty of peeing on humanity.

When you do that, you are also guilty of peeing on humanity.

By: Anne Anderson

Sharing what should not be shared is the ultimate act of selfishness
This guy is also guilty of peeing on humanity.
This guy is also guilty of peeing on humanity.

Don’t be selfish.

I’m alarmed at the amount of otherwise respectable people in my social circle (kids, friends, relatives) who openly admit to peeing in the pool.

First of all, may I say…WTF?! What’s wrong with you people!

And, WHHHHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!???? Stop it!

Second of all, the peeing in the pool conversation inevitably goes something like this (with the perpetrator still exhibiting that shitty grin), and frankly I’m losing more faith in people:

Pee’er: Everybody’s done it. Admit it…

Me: NO! Because I don’t and I haven’t!

Pee’er: Oh really…even when you were a baby…

Me: You’re peeing in the pool right now aren’t you.

Pee’er: No. But I did earlier.

Me: OH MY GOOOOOSSSHH! Is that when we were both swimming over there?! OH MY GOOOSSHH!

I hate you. I’m leaving.

Let’s be honest you pee’er of pools…this (act of terrorism) is not limited to the pool. You are also guilty of peeing on humanity.

You’re the same jerk who deliberately stuck a big slimy booger on the bathroom stall door. You knew exactly what you did. Don’t even lie. And while plotting your next twisted stunt from inside your stupid cubicle, an innocent victim is desperately trying to avoid making eye contact with that eye-level boog. But it’s impossible, like ignoring a flashlight in a dark basement.

And the a–hole who farted silently before exiting the elevator on the 2nd floor when you can see my button lit up for the 12th floor. Yep, that’s you too.

A little pee in the pool never hurt anyone, you tell yourself.

I went to science to consult on this one and debunk it once and for all. Studies show that you are more likely to be killed by a fellow swimmer who discovered you peed in the pool, than due to the actual pool-pee exposure. There are calculations and pee-chlorine combo measurements conducted in a study here, but everything you need to know I’ve listed for you here

1.  It’s not an accident.

Do you accidentally pee yourself when you’re walking around in the world? No? Ok, THEN STOP PEEING IN POOLS. And stop lying to yourself. You’ll probably end up in jail one day.

2.  It’s not sterile, enough, ever.

Don’t even THINK about trying to convince me that your pool pee is sterile.  We’re not in war-torn lands nursing gangrenous wounds.  Should I ever, in lieu of antiseptic wash, need the healing cloak of urine–in the aftermath of say a town pillaging, natural disaster, or impalement by angry porcupine–I will pee on my own self thank you very much.

3.  It’s sadistic.

Yes…I said sadistic! I don’t care how “free” you feel when you do it. I don’t care to hear lies you tell yourself in order to continue this primitive behavior beyond your swimmy-diaper years. Moreover, I know you’re aiming it at me, you sadist.

4.  It’s terroristic

If your best friend is face down doing the Butterfly Stroke through your warm patch and you don’t feel a twinge of remorse…you are a terrorist.  If your aunt is doing water aerobics and bounces into your warm patch cheering, “Oooh! A warm spot,” and you don’t immediately exit and put yourself on time out…you are a terrorist.  If you see little kids spitting water at each other in the vicinity of your warm patch and you don’t offer to let them take turns kicking you in the balls…you are even worse things than a terrorist.

5.  It’s really grossing me out

It’s really grossing me out and so stop asking me why and just enjoy using the designated elimination facilities. (That’s a run on sentence but I’m leaving it to get back at you. So there. )

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